Start A Convo

Start a conversation to UP End Hate.

Having a conversation about hate-based violence can be hard.

The following prompts can help you find the right words to say.

Peer - Proactive

"Did you know that kids our age can stand up against hate-based violence? I feel like our generation has a big role to play in promoting kindness and acceptance. How do you think we can talk to people at school about this?"
"Guys, I was reading about some really terrible hate crimes recently, and I started thinking about how we can make our community safer. I have some ideas - can I share them with you to get your thoughts?"
"Do you ever pay attention to the jokes people post on TikTok about [group]? I was thinking it might feel bad to see those videos as a member of that group. What do you think?”
"Hey, I’ve noticed that one of our friends is posting weird things. I’m kind of worried about him/her and don’t want anything bad to happen. Will you go with me to talk to a teacher?”
“I found this website called UP End Hate that has great tips for teens to make their communities safer. If I share the website with you, can you let me know what you think?”

Peer - Reactive

"Hey, can we talk about what you just said? Why do you feel that way about [that person or that group]?"
“Do you know the meaning behind that term? It might be offensive to other people. Is there a reason you used it?"
“I don’t think that what you said about [that person or group] is true. Can you tell me more about your sources?"
“Today at lunch you sounded really upset when we were talking about [person or group]. Do you need to talk about it? How can I support you?"
“You said something today about violence being a possible solution to this issue. I’d like to know more about why you feel that way. Why do you think violence is better than other options?"
"Hey, we’ve never really talked about this topic before. What did you mean when you said that about [person or group]?"
“Hey, I’m not sure I agree with that statement. I’m interested to hear more about why you think that’s true.”
"I noticed you share a lot of content from a specific account. What do you like about that influencer?”

Parent or Caregiver

"Mom/Dad, can we talk about something serious? I'm really worried about one of my friends. They've been saying some hateful things lately, and I'm afraid it might lead to something violent. What should I do?”
“Hey [name], I need your advice on something. One of my friends has been acting weird. They have been posting memes that look hateful and got mad when I said something. How do you think I can support them?"
“Mom, I’m worried. I overheard two kids talking about bringing a gun to school, but I can’t tell if they were serious or not. Will you help me tell someone about it?"
"So, I was on TikTok today and I saw this video about [group]. I wasn’t sure what to believe. How do you think I can find out more information?”
“Hi [caregiver], I’ve been seeing a lot more upsetting content online. I can change my settings, but I’d really like to have a more positive experience online. How do you think I can do that?
“My friends are sharing Instagram posts about [group] that make me uncomfortable. How can I tell them I think the posts are wrong without making them mad at me?”
“Hey [parent name], A few of my classmates have been really mean to me lately. I’m not sure how to stand up to them and I’m worried that it will get worse if I tell a teacher. What can I do to get them to stop?”
“Remember when I told you about that girl who said she had a gun? You told someone, right? If not, I found some resources on the UP End Hate website of people you could talk to. Can I show it to you?"

School Official

"Hi [Teacher's/Counselor's Name], can I talk to you about something important? I'm really worried about a friend who's been saying some hateful things. I'm concerned it might lead to violence. I wanted to let you know because I’m not sure how to talk to my friend about it."
"Excuse me, [Professor], I need some advice. One of my friends has been making aggressive and hateful comments. I’m not sure how worried I should be. Can you help me decide if I should talk to them or not?”
"Hi [RA name], I’ve noticed that one of my classmates is posting hateful memes on Instagram. They always play it off like a joke, but it makes me uncomfortable. What can I do about it?”
"Hi [Teacher's/Counselor's Name], I overheard someone talking about solving a problem with violence. I wanted you to be aware in case they decide to act on that idea.”
"Hello [Teacher’s name], I’ve seen a few older students making fun of someone for their identity. I want to speak up, but I’m not sure the best way to. Will you help me figure out my options?”
“Hi [School Official], I’ve noticed a girl from my class is being bullied during breaks. I don’t want anyone to know that I told you, but I wanted someone to know before it gets worse.”
“Hi, [Guidance Counselor name], I just wanted you to know that a student tried to start a fight in the cafeteria today. I’m not sure if any teachers saw it but I thought someone should know, especially in case they try to start a fight again.”
“Hey Mr./Mrs. [name]. I understand if you can’t share details, but did you ever tell anyone about what I shared last week? I’m still worried about this classmate, and I want to make sure they get help if they need it.”
“Hi [school counselor], I’ve been feeling lonely and disconnected lately. I’m not sure how to talk about how I’m feeling."

Coworker

"Hey, I overheard your comment about the customer who was just in here. Can you tell me why you didn’t want to help them?”
“I noticed the pins on your backpack. I don’t recognize some of those symbols, what do they mean?"
"Hey [Coworker's Name], why do you think that [group] aren’t hard workers? Will you share the evidence you have for that statement?
“Hey, you spoke negatively about [person or group]. It seemed unlike you. Is there a specific reason you feel that way?”
"Hi [coworker’s name], can you share your source for that story you were telling earlier? I’m curious about other perspectives on the topic.”

Online - if you know someone

"Hey, what does this mean? I’ve never seen this meme before."
"Guys, I know we all laughed, but don’t you think that video is actually a little mean?" Think about how you’d feel if you were a [insert identity group] person watching that video."
"Why did you call that person that name in your comment? How do you think they felt reading that?"
"Where did you find that news article? What sites do you usually visit for news?"
"Do you ever worry about the content on your feeds? I’ve found some on mine to be upsetting lately.”

If you come across something online that seems hateful, but you don’t know the person who posted it, we recommend reporting the post to the platform.

Someone Impacted by Hate or Bullying

“Hey, I heard what those boys said to you. I’m sorry you had to experience that. What can I do to support you?”
“I want you to know that my friends and I don’t agree with the statement our group leader made. If you want to talk to the professor about it, I’ll go with you.”
“Did you feel threatened by what she said in class today? I want our school to be a safe place, and I’m planning to share her comment with our teacher.”
“If you need someone to talk to about what that customer said, please don’t hesitate to come find me. I want you to feel safe and comfortable at work.”
I don’t believe what that person said about your culture. I’d love to learn more about your background directly from you. Would you be willing to share with me?"

Law Enforcement or Mental Health Professional

Download More Conversation Starters for Talking About Hate-Based Violence

Conversation Starters

do vs. don´t

If you want to have a conversation with someone, especially someone you’re worried about, here are some dos and don’ts. These tips will help you have a productive and safe conversation.

Do

Talk in private.

You’re more likely to get honest answers if you talk to someone in private.

Be curious.

The best way to get someone to talk to you is to be open. You don’t have to agree with what they’re saying to listen to them. By letting them know you’re willing to hear them out, you’ll open the door for future conversations based on trust.

Pay attention to concerning answers.

If someone doubles down on hateful or violent ideas, you should tell someone right away. It’s better to share your concerns with an adult than let concerning comments go unaddressed.

Be prepared if someone doesn’t want to explain their comments.

The person you’re talking to might not want to explain or talk about their ideas. You can let them know that you’re always willing to listen if they decide they want to talk.

Feel free to respectfully disagree.

You can voice your opinion without being confrontational. It’s perfectly ok to say, “I think we’ll just have to disagree about that. We’ve clearly had different experiences with this topic.

Share resources.

If someone seems open to more conversation, feel free to direct them to resources like UP End Hate!

Follow up.

If someone seems open to talking about these topics, it’s a good idea to have these conversations multiple times. You can also follow up with a trusted adult if you want to know what they’ve done about a concerning situation.

Tell more than one person.

You can always tell multiple trusted adults about your concerns. It’s important to seek help from multiple trusted adults if you are concerned someone might turn violent.

Don't

Argue or Debate

It can be hard not to argue when you hear hateful ideas, but debating won’t change anyone’s mind. In fact, research has shown that people double down on their beliefs when someone criticizes them. Instead, try to politely disagree and then disengage. If you’ve heard something that you’re really worried about, tell a trusted adult.

Call names, invalidate, or shame someone.

Nobody likes feeling stupid or attacked. It might be tempting to tell someone that they’re being hateful, but this will cause them to shut down. In some cases, being shamed might push someone deeper into their beliefs.

Cancel them.

‘Canceling’ someone for something they did or said is counterproductive to changing their beliefs because it shuts down the conversation. Instead, try calling them into a conversation.

Ignore concerning statements.

You might get an answer to your questions that is worrying. If you think there is any possibility (no matter how small) that someone might turn violent, tell a trusted adult.

You are taking a huge step by having these conversations. Remember that it isn’t your job to change someone’s mind. All you can do is respond to hate when you see it and tell a trusted adult if you’re concerned about the possibility of violence.

Page Sources:

What to do when you want to say more

Having a conversation with someone is a great way to find out more about their headspace and intentions. But you might find yourself in a situation where you feel the need to do more than listen. If you hear or see something you want to address, there are a few ways you can interrupt hate. Find out what your options are for safely standing up to hate.

Don’t forget the PREMO acronym, which is a great way to help you decide whether starting a conversation with someone is the right choice.

Learn More

What's the problem? What's truly going on?

To figure out the best solution, start by defining the problem.

Your actions should match the situation.

What is my relationship to the people involved?

Your actions will also depend on how well you know the people involved.

Are they friends or strangers?

What's the environment like? Who's around?

It's okay to choose where to have a conversation.

Private conversations or a direct messages may provide more comfort or yield better results than public conversations.

What's my mood or "internal weather"?

Being a successful upstander starts with taking care of yourself first.

If you don’t feel like you’re calm enough to act, it’s ok to wait!

What are my options? What actions work?

In most situations, there are a couple of different ways you can act! Visit Take Action page to explore your options.

This project was initially funded by the U.S. Department of Homeland Security's Center for Prevention Programs and Partnerships, opportunity number DHS-23-TTP-132-00-01.

Eradicate Hate Global Summit
500 Grant Street, Suite 4500
Pittsburgh, PA 15219-2514
info@eradicatehatesummit.org